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Archive for the ‘The wisdom of others’ Category

Timber Hawkeye’s blog for January 2026 is entitled Cling No More – what he says in it strikes me as such good advice that I have to share it. The big takeaway for me is: ‘acknowledge your missteps with compassion and understanding, grow with humility and gratitude, and move on with peacefulness and serenity. The Middle Path means we carry the lesson, but not the burden, because the weight of the past can slow you down, and its gravitational force can take you down. There is so much wisdom in the Zen saying: let go or be dragged.’

This is the blog entry in full (there is a link to it at the bottom):

‘If someone attempts to use my past against me, it’s like they are trying to rob my old house; I don’t live there any more.

When we move, we change our address, and when Buddhists take their vows, they often change their name to a Dharma Title assigned by their teacher. Personally, I chose not to adopt a new moniker in the monastery for a few reasons: 1) I had already changed my name once in the 90s when it became apparent that Americans can’t pronounce my birth name; 2) I have known people who adopted a Dharma Name to represent non-attachment to their old identity, only to get attached to their new identity; and 3) I don’t think it’s necessary to deny our past in order to live the present.

Buddhism teaches that our suffering comes from clinging, and boy, do we cling! Even though we dislike it when others try to use our past against us, we constantly do it to ourselves. We replay our own mistakes in our heads; we cringe at questionable life choices; and we still allow outdated beliefs about ourselves to undermine our current potential.

Too many of my one-on-one sessions last year were with people who feel unworthy of love in the present because of something they have done in the past. Clinging ignores the fact that life is in constant motion. Non-attachment is not about erasing who we were, it’s about not being confined by it.

So, acknowledge your missteps with compassion and understanding, grow with humility and gratitude, and move on with peacefulness and serenity. The Middle Path means we carry the lesson, but not the burden, because the weight of the past can slow you down, and its gravitational force can take you down. There is so much wisdom in the Zen saying: let go or be dragged.

Give yourself the gift of travelling lightly into the new year. Pack only the clarity without any of the shame, guilt, or regret; have a sense of a humour about the past, and appreciate how far you have come.

May you find relief, space, and energy, not to reconstruct your old house, but to acknowledge that you have been gradually building a new home for yourself, one virtuous act at a time.

This moment is new, and so are you!

With much love from your brother, Timber Hawkeye’

Source: Timber Hawkeye, Buddhist Boot Camp Monthly Blog:

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Author Heidi Priebe on loving someone as they change:

‘To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into.

We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out, to become speedily found when they are lost.

But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way.’

(Source: This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe)

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I hesitate to name anyone as ‘one of my heroes’ because so many of our heroes turn out to have feet of clay, but I will say that I really believe Timber Hawkeye has some wisdom to share, and his Buddhist Boot Camp blog is well worth a read every month. This is an extract from his January 2024 blog:

‘When people say they aren’t happy, it’s often because they haven’t reached their goals in life, but they fail to see that having a goal in the first place is the reason for their anguish; meaning they placed their happiness at some distant point in the future rather than right where they are. We must let go of our attachment to winning, and just be happy we get to play. If you can’t be happy with what you have, you won’t be happy with more.’

Timber Hawkeye, Buddhist Boot Camp Monthly Blog: https://www.buddhistbootcamp.com/so/5cOp0wE4E?languageTag=en&cid=5ed4303e-d596-479a-a1b7-d55ec6c29994

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Courtesy of James Clear https://jamesclear.com/3-2-1/february-1-2024

‘I think about decisions in three ways: hats, haircuts and tattoos.

Most decisions are like hats. Try one and if you don’t like it, put it back and try another. The cost of a mistake is low, so move quickly and try a bunch of hats.

Some decisions are like haircuts. You can fix a bad one, but it won’t be quick, and you might feel foolish for a while. That said, don’t be scared of a bad haircut. Trying something new is usually a risk worth taking. If it doesn’t work out, by this time next year you will have moved on, and so will everyone else.

A few decisions are like tattoos. Once you make them, you have to live with them. Some mistakes are irreversible. Maybe you’ll move on for a moment, but then you’ll glance in the mirror and be reminded of that choice all over again. Even years later, the decision leaves a mark. When you’re dealing with an irreversible choice, move slowly and think carefully.’

Hat tip to Tim Ferriss, who once compared making decisions to choosing a sweater, which sent me down this line of thinking. – James Clear

Reproduced with appreciation.

Beelibee comment:

If you do get a tattoo, maybe the best thing is to accept that it is there. It may be possible to have it removed, but the result may not be what you would like. What you cannot do is turn the clock back to when you had not yet had it done. So, accept what you cannot change.

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(30 November extract from ‘The Language of Letting Go’ by Melody Beattie, 1990 Hazelden foundation)

One day my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Sometime later the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we – chasing it.

‘There it is. Get it!’ we’d scream each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house and lunge at the animal, hoping to catch it.

I worried about it even when we didn’t see it. ‘This isn’t right,’ I’d think. ‘I can’t have a gerbil running loose in the house. We’ve got to catch it. We’ve got to do something.’

A small animal the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.

One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In a frenzy I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.

No, I said. I’m all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I’m going to let it. I’m done worrying about it. I’m done chasing it. It’s an irregular circumstance, but that’s just the way it’s going to have to be.

I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction – not reacting – but I stuck to it anyway.

I got more comfortable with my new reaction – not reacting. Before long I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I started practising my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Do what you want.’ And I meant it.

One hour later the gerbil came and stood by me and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don’t lunge at the gerbil. He’s already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy.

Detachment works.

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One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two “wolves” inside us all.

One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’

The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.

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Buddha explained how to handle insult and maintain compassion.

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. ‘You have no right teaching others,’ he shouted. ‘You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake.’

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man ‘Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?’

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, ‘It would belong to me, because I bought the gift.’

Buddha smiled and said, ‘That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself.

‘If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy.’

The young man listened closely to these wise words of the Buddha. ‘You are right, o Enlightened One,’ he said. ‘Please teach me the path of love. I wish to become your follower.’

Buddha answered kindly, ‘Of course. I teach anyone who truly wants to learn. Come with me.’

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I spent years trying to ‘create my own reality’ and feeling slightly frustrated at the fact that all my reality creation didn’t seem to be affecting my reality that much and was actually making me feel worse for the fact that I thought I must be doing something wrong. I’d got my head round the fact that my reality was my world as I saw it and experienced it, but it took a while for it to seep in that whilst I could certainly change my attitude to things that happened to and around me, there were plenty of things that I didn’t seem to have any control over at all.

Eventually I realised that actually what I wanted to be able to do was control events around me so that I could avoid negative feelings. Difficult. Difficult and counter-productive, not to mention a long way removed from reality. So I decided to start over and see whether I could get to a position that was more viable and connected with reality. The preface to Charlotte Joko Beck’s ‘Nothing Special: Living Zen’ helpfully provided the following:

‘Living Zen is nothing special: life as it is. Zen is life itself, nothing added. … When we seek … the fulfillment of our fantasies, we separate from the earth and sky, from our loved ones, from our aching backs and hearts, from the very soles of our feet. Such fantasies insulate us for a time; yet in ten thousand ways reality intrudes, and our lives become anxious scurrying, quiet desperation, confusing melodrama. Distracted and obsessed, striving for something special, we seek another place and time: not here, not now, not this…

‘Living Zen means reversing our flight from nothingness, opening to the emptiness of here and now. Slowly, painfully, we reconcile to life. The heart sinks; hope dies. “Things are always just as they are”, observes Joko. This empty tautology is no counsel of despair, however, but an invitation to joy. … Abandoning magical thought, awakening to the magic of this moment, we realise in dynamic emptiness the grace of nothing special … living Zen.’

Steve Smith, Claremont, California, February 1993

Starting from the position that things are as they are is actually a better springboard than living in a castle in your head. Nobody is saying you shouldn’t think positive; nor is anyone suggesting you should catastrophise. But whatever you do, start by letting reality in. You’re going to have to let it in sooner or later, so why waste time, effort and feelings staving off the moment? I believe that seeing things as they are is better for you than insisting on believing them to be as you would like them to be. Sometimes reality is too harsh and too difficult to be let in all at once, but the door has to be ajar so that it can come in when you’re ready.

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A lecturer, when explaining stress control to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, ‘how heavy is this glass of water?’ Answers ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied …

‘The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.’

He continued…

‘And that’s the way it is with stress control. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax, pick them up later after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!’

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life …

  • ‘Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
  • Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  • Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
  • Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
  • If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • Never buy a car you can’t push.
  • Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
  • Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
  • Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
  • The second mouse gets the cheese.
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
  • You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
  • Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  • We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
  • A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.’

Source: Progesterone Therapy: http://www.progesteronetherapy.com/stress-control.html – author unknown

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Buddhism is not a belief system. It’s not about accepting certain tenets or believing a set of claims or principles. … It’s about examining the world clearly and carefully, about testing everything and every idea. Buddhism is about seeing. It’s about knowing rather than believing or hoping or wishing. It’s also about not being afraid to examine anything and everything…

The Buddha himself invited people on all occasions to test him. “Don’t believe me because you see me as your teacher,” he said. “Don’t believe me because others do. And don’t believe anything because you’ve read it in a book, either. Don’t put your faith in reports, or tradition, or hearsay, or the authority of religious leaders or texts. Don’t rely on mere logic, or inference, or appearances, or speculation.”

The Buddha repeatedly emphasised the impossibility of ever arriving at Truth by giving up your own authority and following the lights of others. Such a path will lead only to an opinion, whether your own or someone else’s.

The Buddha encouraged people to “know for yourselves that certain things are unwholesome and wrong. And when you do, then given them up. And when you know for yourselves that certain things are wholesome and good, then accept them and follow them.”

The message is always to examine and see for yourself. When you see for yourself what is true – and that’s really the only way that you can genuinely know anything – then embrace it. Until then, just suspend judgement and criticism.

The point of Buddhism is to just see. That’s all.

(Extract from “Buddhism plain and simple” by Steve Hagen (Penguin 1997)

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