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Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

Control over events

Posted in Musings, The wisdom of others, tagged , , , , , on August 24, 2009| Leave a Comment »

I spent years trying to ‘create my own reality’ and feeling slightly frustrated at the fact that all my reality creation didn’t seem to be affecting my reality that much and was actually making me feel worse for the fact that I thought I must be doing something wrong. I’d got my head round the fact that my reality was my world as I saw it and experienced it, but it took a while for it to seep in that whilst I could certainly change my attitude to things that happened to and around me, there were plenty of things that I didn’t seem to have any control over at all.

Eventually I realised that actually what I wanted to be able to do was control events around me so that I could avoid negative feelings. Difficult. Difficult and counter-productive, not to mention a long way removed from reality. So I decided to start over and see whether I could get to a position that was more viable and connected with reality. The preface to Charlotte Joko Beck’s ‘Nothing Special: Living Zen’ helpfully provided the following:

‘Living Zen is nothing special: life as it is. Zen is life itself, nothing added. … When we seek … the fulfillment of our fantasies, we separate from the earth and sky, from our loved ones, from our aching backs and hearts, from the very soles of our feet. Such fantasies insulate us for a time; yet in ten thousand ways reality intrudes, and our lives become anxious scurrying, quiet desperation, confusing melodrama. Distracted and obsessed, striving for something special, we seek another place and time: not here, not now, not this…

‘Living Zen means reversing our flight from nothingness, opening to the emptiness of here and now. Slowly, painfully, we reconcile to life. The heart sinks; hope dies. “Things are always just as they are”, observes Joko. This empty tautology is no counsel of despair, however, but an invitation to joy. … Abandoning magical thought, awakening to the magic of this moment, we realise in dynamic emptiness the grace of nothing special … living Zen.’

Steve Smith, Claremont, California, February 1993

Starting from the position that things are as they are is actually a better springboard than living in a castle in your head. Nobody is saying you shouldn’t think positive; nor is anyone suggesting you should catastrophise. But whatever you do, start by letting reality in. You’re going to have to let it in sooner or later, so why waste time, effort and feelings staving off the moment? I believe that seeing things as they are is better for you than insisting on believing them to be as you would like them to be. Sometimes reality is too harsh and too difficult to be let in all at once, but the door has to be ajar so that it can come in when you’re ready.

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Tolerance

Posted in Musings, tagged , , , on August 22, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Conventional wisdom about tolerance varies – some people seem to think that we become less tolerant as we get older, perhaps finding fewer reasons to compromise or to dilute our strongly-held views; others think that the longer we are on the planet the more we have the capacity to be more aware, and therefore by definition, more tolerant. There are probably as many examples of one as of the other …

Recently I visited an elderly friend (she is 89 and nearly blind) whom I’ve known for over 30 years. She is a bright and independent lady, erudite and witty, and in the early years of our acquaintance I suppose it was her obvious sense of knowing what she knew to be right and proper that was her trademark. She knew what she knew, and she knew it was right and proper. There were things that could not possibly be right, ever, and they could be as much in the realm of language and grammar as in social behaviour and personal choices.

My friend used to talk a lot about her family, to anyone who would listen. One negative take on this was that sometimes you had the impression she only asked after others to have a springboard to talk about her own family. I remember the day, years ago, when she mentioned in passing that one of her grandsons had revealed his love for a male partner. I could sense the struggle – her outrage and disbelief, her love for her grandson and the impossible position she found herself in, with a member of her beloved family on the wrong side of her particular set of rules, prohibitions and beliefs about what was right or appropriate. My friend, who had been quick to be judgemental of others, was now having to re-examine some of those judgements at close hand.

How she dealt with the struggle I don’t know. All I know is that on my recent visit she expressed how glad she was that her various family members were well and happy, and fulfilling their potential. When she went through their names, and got to the grandson in question here, she made a point of mentioning, ‘he’s gay, you know’, and proceeded to talk about him with the affection I would have expected, and about his wonderful partner (who was both male and happened to be of a different colour and culture from her grandson) in the sort of terms that had me smiling inwardly. She’d obviously got through her struggle, and come out with a score that looked to me like: Tolerance 1 Judgementalism 0. I took that as being a sign of hope.

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Criticism

Posted in Musings, tagged , , , on August 16, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Criticism is a difficult area. Most of us can’t resist giving it, at least occasionally – some habitually – and equally most of us find it hard to take. It can be argued that it is sometimes necessary to point things out – for instance, to children – when behaviour needs to be corrected. Educating children in life is not my strongest suit so I am not going to go into that. My theory here is that criticism of adults does not work, or does not usually tend to achieve the desired result, so it is not a particularly worthwhile exercise.

Someone has upset you with their attitude to you, their behaviour, something they’ve said or done or something they’ve failed to say or do. If you tell them that they are selfish, annoying and thoughtless, the only thing that is pretty certain is that they won’t like hearing it. If they don’t like hearing it, they may either ignore what you say or decide to avoid you because they don’t want to hear any more of your criticism. What is doubtful is that they’ll go from being people you consider selfish, annoying and thoughtless to being people who are altruistic, pleasant, caring and thoughtful because you gave them your opinion of their character or behaviour. ‘Constructive criticism’ sounds better, but doesn’t necessarily achieve a much better result either.

I think feedback is a more useful concept than criticism, though even then it needs to be given with care. It will not always get the result you hope for or consider obvious. It is my belief that you can’t change other people. The only area you can change is yourself. So, coming back to the person you feel is selfish, annoying and thoughtless, maybe you need to work out how that makes you feel and consider telling them that. Then you are giving them feedback about their behaviour, you are imparting information as to the effect it has on you. They have a choice as to whether to make any adjustments and if you put your message across in a way that is not actually critical, you might stand a chance of achieving a change in behaviour in the other person, if they care enough. Another option would be to change your attitude so that their behaviour doesn’t have that effect on you any longer. Yet another possibility might be for you to consider whether you want to have them as a significant part of your life at all. I think any of these three courses of action has a better chance of achieving a change in the behaviour or demeanour of another person, and/or of making you feel better in the long run (which may be more to the point), than criticising the person who has upset you in this way.

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Happiness in yourself

Posted in Musings, tagged , , , on August 15, 2009| Leave a Comment »

This week I got a Gratitude App for my phone. The idea is that at the end of the day you note five things for which you feel grateful, otherwise known as a ‘happy journal’.

It felt rather serendipitous that an article should have been published on the subject of ‘how to be happy in yourself’ just a few days after the start of my gratitude journal. I couldn’t have put it any better than Emma Cook did:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/aug/15/emma-cook-happy

with particular reference to the section:

There is one negative assumption that tends to make us more miserable than any other, Williams says; a belief that undoubtedly keeps the self-help industry afloat. ‘It’s this tendency we all have of wanting things to be different from how they are right now. Ironically, letting go of that quest to be happy can offer a tremendous sense of relief.’ (Emma Cook, 2009)

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More on relationships

Posted in Musings, tagged , , , on August 15, 2009| Leave a Comment »

This is about relationships in the wider sense, not just life partners but also friends and family, colleagues, acquaintances, the lot.

No one relationship is going to give you everything you want whenever you want it or need it. That’s not to say you have to have multiples of each kind of relationship you have; it just means you have to accept the relationships you have for what they are and the people with whom you have them for who they are. It means accepting that in the main you can’t change people – in fact, you can hardly ever change them. The only thing you can really change is you and your attitudes and behaviour. It also means accepting that other people in your life are like planets in your galaxy, and you are just one planet in theirs. Sometimes you’ll be the main planet, sometimes you won’t. They will often have other things going on in their lives that don’t necessarily include you. So judge less and accept more when it comes to assessing people and how their words and behaviour affect you.

Don’t keep dysfunctional people or people who are bad for you and make you unhappy in your life, and if you must let them stay, perhaps as distant planets, make sure you don’t give them power to hurt you. If you are going to have people in your life, take them as you find them. Don’t demand more from them than they are capable of giving you. The reason for this is that you’re not going to get more than they can give you, and there is more pain involved in requiring it and not getting it than in not expecting it in the first place. A wise person once talked about the futility of looking for your keys under the lamppost if that wasn’t where you lost them, just because that is where the light is …

So when you need emotional support, understanding, an interested ear, whatever, at a particular time, look to get it from someone in your galaxy who is in a position to be able to provide it at the time you need it. Don’t expect every relationship to be two-way all the time or at the same time. Sometimes you’ll get the support you’re seeking from one person, and won’t be able to give support to them when they need it, but maybe someone else will. Think of it as a variation on Kahlil Gibran’s point about ‘giving unto the pool …’: give to the pool when you can and when it’s needed, and expect to take from the pool, i.e. from someone who is in a position to give to you, when you need it.

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Relationships 80/20

Posted in Musings, tagged , , on August 14, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Sometimes you get your most useful thoughts when you can’t write them down, which is annoying because they never seem to read so well when you try to recapture them later on. No harm in trying, though …

One useful thought was the application of a variation of the 80/20 rule to relationships. The idea is that if a relationship works to the tune of 80% and the person seems about 80% right for you, be content. It is not worth putting effort into increasing the 80%. If, however, the missing 20% seems so important a loss that it threatens to destroy the benefits of the 80%, then it is worth reviewing the whole.

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