It is possible to get inordinately upset at things other people say – it is notoriously a feature of having low self-esteem but may even afflict people with a healthier level of confidence in their own worth or abilities. Feedback is often a good thing and can be constructive, but sometimes it is simply hurtful and not actually intended to help. As a general rule, I believe that, before reacting, it is useful to stop and think – to coin a phrase, what other people say may not be about you.
I always remember an instance from many years ago that I have tried to learn from in the intervening decades. An ex visited me a while after our ways had parted and asked for a loan. When I responded that I did not have any money to lend him, he rather huffily replied that I was no longer a nice person to know. This devastated me at the time. When I was asked by a colleague what had upset me so terribly and I explained, they looked puzzled. ‘But it’s only his opinion!’ was their take on the comment. That had never even crossed my mind – I automatically assumed that if someone had said that I was no longer a nice person to know, it must be true. I would like to think that today I might be able to respond along the lines of, ‘That’s quite possible, but you may want to reconsider whether saying so is a good way of getting what you want’, and then serenely move on. I think of this as a variation on the ‘Whatever!’ strategy, which is a mental shrug based on not attaching too much importance to the things people say, and not allowing it to take up more space in our lives (and affect how we feel) than is in fact appropriate.
This approach can also be applied to how we react to other people’s opinions and to disagreeing with people about things generally. There are plenty of opinions out there, and it really is worth picking your battles. Do you particularly want to have an argument about every statement you utter or every view that someone else expresses? Equally, do you have an insatiable need to produce a put-down when someone voices an opinion you think is rubbish? There may be a little conflict aversion in evidence here, but I would suggest that the ‘Whatever!’ strategy can be both practical and helpful: you simply (mentally) roll your eyes and make the decision that that particular battle is not worth bothering with. The world will go on without your heavy-duty defence of your statement or your smart retort to the other person’s. People’s opinions will continue to differ. It is mostly true that you cannot change people, their opinions or their behaviour – only they can decide to make those changes. They may choose to do so, or they may not. Whatever!
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